Women call me ugly occasionally. But that’s only until they
hear how much money I make...
... Then they say I’m poor and ugly.
*****
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew
it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your
biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20
minutes.”
*****
A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies
being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping
the mid-day traffic.
The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow.
“Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign
saying 25 and everything!” the driver defends himself.
The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the
highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.”
“Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking
shocked.
The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the
grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff.
“What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver.
“Um…” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got
off highway 150…”
*****
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the
last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop
of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide
to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle
of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug; deciding that no
harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man. "Where do you want
these blinds?"
*****
– When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.
– Really? I have the exact opposite.
– Wow, seriously?
– Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.
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